the smuggler’s bible

Dame Linet

Linet just wants her sister to stop screwing around before the wedding. That’s not so much to ask. But she admits maybe she shouldn’t have resorted to sorcery so quickly.

Her knight interrupts the rendezvous, and gets his head chopped into gobbets in the bargain. Dame Lionesse is mad as hell about it.

“Don’t worry, he’s fine,” Linet says, scooping up the pieces and rubbing on some ointment that makes the man’s skull come together like a tile mosaic.

Gareth watches from the floor, bleeding out of a hole in his leg. “Is there, uh, any more of that stuff?”

The Green Knight

The Green Knight gets word that his brother is dead and it was a kitchen knave who did the murder.

That gets him sore. That gets him steamed. That gets him into his armor on a weekend and out to the forest to find the poor sap and do him violence.

The plan does not unfold without some few hitches.

Sweating with Gareth’s sword at his neck, the Green Knight wonders out loud if this thing could go some way other than due south. Gareth shrugs and gives him the bad news.

He says they’ll have to ask the damsel.


The Knight of the Black Lands has black armor and a black horse. He stops them at the head of the valley, right beside a big black rock.

“Jesus Christ,” the damsel says. “You have got to be kidding me.”

The knight just shrugs and pats his black sword. Gareth starts to suit up.

“Probably you should just run away. This guy seems tough and you suck at this.”

“You keep saying that, but I keep winning,” Gareth says. “I’m on a hot streak here and I say let it ride.”

“Yeah, c’mon, let the kid play,” the knight says.


All things considered, the middle of a river is a terrible place for jousting, but Gareth is trying to be a good knight and that means making the best of a bad situation. Also it is two against one.

“Man up, why don’t you?” the damsel says behind him. “You gonna chicken out?”

“No,” Gareth says, “I’m just thinking it over is all.”

“Uh huh.”

“Look, this is tricky, okay?”

Actually it’s easier than it seems. Gareth just hits them both on the head, and they fall into the water and drown.

“Whatever, nerd,” the damsel yells. “You got lucky!”