the smuggler’s bible


Perceval and Ector de Maris have been whaling on each other all day. Like, really vicious stuff. Just brutal.

"Dude, you are kicking my ass," Perceval says, finally.

"Yeah, you too, man."

"Well, great job because I’m pretty sure you killed me, and now I don’t get to complete my quest."

"Impossible, for it is I who am slain. Don’t tell my brother it was you or he’s gonna—"

Perceval shakes his head. "No. Quit hogging my death scene."

"Whatever," Ector says, voice muffled because of how he’s lying with his face in the dirt. "Big talk from a murderer."


The man who knows where to look can find adventure any old place. Perceval and Galahad find it on a boat. There are piles of treasure and a bed with a sword lying among the sheets. There is also a woman sitting nearby who waves pleasantly.

“Is this all free?” Perceval asks.

“You certainly don’t have to pay me.”

“Okay. Don’t like the sound of that. Can we just have the sword?”

“I don’t know. Can you?”

“Cut the witchy stuff, lady,” Galahad says. “Is it cursed or something?”

She smiles and winks at them. “Bingo. Got it in three.”


People will tell you there are great rewards for staying on the good and righteous path. But on the other hand, Perceval met the devil once, and the devil had an awful lot to offer.

When his cup is empty, the devil just smiles and reaches across the table to fill it again with strong, dark wine. Then she’s beside him, and her hand is on his arm. Perceval can smell lilac and the sweet summer grass outside the tent.

“You can have whatever you want, baby,” she breathes in his ear. “You just have to say you love me.”


Everyone says the new kid looks a lot like Lancelot. I mean, really resembles him.

“Plus he’s pretty good at jousting,” Perceval says, nudging Lancelot in the ribs after dinner. “Sorta your shtick.”

“That doesn’t prove anything.”

“Shut up, nothing proves anything. But that is totally your son.”

Lancelot eyes the stern kid sitting quietly across the table and does some counting in his head. It just barely works out.

Lucky for him a quest starts up pretty soon after that and he doesn’t have to worry about it for a long while. And by then it doesn’t matter anymore.