the smuggler’s bible

Hewie

Hewie drinks a bottle of wine and eats three chocolate Easter eggs he found in the freezer, then gets on the internet and buys a haunted chair. It’s out front when he wakes up in the morning.

“Boo.” The chair wobbles a little bit. “Did I get ya?”

“Jesus,” Hewie says, “have I got a bellyache.”

“Hey, come on. You’re the one with the credit card, pal.”

“Don’t remind me. I was in a vulnerable position when I saw that ad.”

“Because you need a friend.”

“Because I’m a pathetic person,” Hewie says, “and I’ve been sitting on a minifridge.”